2008-10-28: A simple request for Christmas

Dear Santa:

Since Christmas comes soon after the elections, I'm hoping that you'll deliver my gift a little early this year. I only want one thing, but I have a very specific list of features it must have.

I want a good president. That means I want a president who...

...will tax and spend fairly rather than just spend and spend. He will require everyone to pay taxes, including churches. Then I want him to come over and help me figure out my 1040.

...will help dump the electoral college and set quality control standards for elections so that all our votes are counted and no more dead people vote. After all, isn't the core concept of democracy "one person, one vote"? That means that before we can teach the world democracy, we should practice it ourselves.

...finds the way to energy independence beginning with tougher mileage and emissions standards on the auto industry.

...drives in the right lane except when passing, uses his turn signals, and doesn't honk a nanosecond after the light has changed.

...is smarter and wiser than me and not just a regular guy. I'd love to be able to have a beer and talk sports with him, but I'd rather he was someone who could pour a round and dazzle me with nuanced info about how government works. If he uses a sports analogy or two, that would be OK, though.

...will make our justice system the object of the world's envy again, applying equal justice to all prisoners no matter what crime they are suspected of doing. Bans all forms of torture with one exception, for the guys who write political ads.

...understands technology, the internet, how dependent we have become on them, and how vulnerable that makes us. He should be competent with Vista but prefer a Mac.

...knows that people from other countries are human too, that they have rights, chiefly the right to live, and that bombing and shooting them just because we fear them is the kind of thing that should get you busted.

...says nuke-LEE-yer not nuke-YOO-ler.

...reads a lot and would never ban a book. He will, however, ban cell phones on trains, in restaurants, the theatre, and in elevators. He will also ban leaf blowers, those subscription cards that fall out of magazines, kids under five on answering machines, chain email, car alarms, the phrase "no offense but", and donut sized spare tires.

...can tell the difference between real journalists and bloggers, and will make the Trib look like a serious newspaper again.

...has worked side by side with people of different races, nationalities, genders, and classes, perceives that much of our nation's strength derives from its diversity, and knows that imposing one's religion on another is really really rude.

...will get the government out of the marriage business and leave it to the churches.

...remembers his wife's birthday, buys her gifts himself, and has his cash ready when he gets to the front of the line.

...realizes that political correctness is simply another name for politeness. It means choosing words that don't make people mad because it is hard to lead people who are angry at you.

...will stop calling people who are looking out for number one "greedy." Self-interest is, after all, at the heart of capitalism.

...will roll back prices on popcorn in movie theatres.

...is experienced enough to figure out what government does well and what it does poorly and doesn't ask it to do too much.

...sets the minimum sentence for failing to clean up after your dog at one month picking up poop in Lincoln Park.

...conducts good job interviews and will hire really talented financial advisors, cabinet officers, and judges.

...listens and encourages people to argue with him. Is slow to anger. Bases his decisions on facts, not gut feelings. Is not stubborn. Answers all my emails.

...will try to make sure that when people get sick, if there is a reasonable way to make them well again, we should do it, even if they can't afford to pay for it, because every life is precious and all lives are equal.

...would never wear a comb over.

...is disgraced by the fact that the world's richest society still has millions who sleep under bridges and children go hungry at night, and will do something about it.

...has figured out that the bill on a baseball cap is to keep the sun out of his eyes and not off his neck.

...realizes that an educated society can solve any problem and will see to it that this time, really, truly, no child will be left behind.

...can field change a baby.

...will set aside more money for research and development so our best and brightest can make this a better world.

...will make sure bad guys can't get guns, and bans automatic weapons.

...will change farm policies that subsidize the energy intensive production of grain for animal feeds and sweeteners, policies that help contribute to a more expensive food, a whole range of health problems, world hunger, and greenhouse gases.

...knows how to barbecue.

Santa, please compare Misters McCain and Obama to this checklist because, as you know, it is hard for me to do it since they have distorted each other's records, and their own, so greatly. Which, I suppose, means that they really aren't qualified to be president. So maybe you could just get me a pony instead.