Grits solve a crime The following dialogue is from the excellent movie "My Cousin Vinny", with Joe Pesci playing the role of Vinny Gambini, attourney for the defense. Vinny: Is it possible the two defendants went into the Sac-O-Suds, picked 22 specific items off of the shelf, had the clerk take the money, make change, then leave. Then two different men drive up... Tipton: Shakes his head no. Vinny: Don't shake your head. I'm not finished yet. Wait until you hear the whole thing you can understand what it is that I'm askin'. [Pause] Then, two different men drive up in a similar looking car, go into the store, shoot the clerk, rob him, then leave? Tipton: No. They didn't have enough time. Vinny: Why not? How long was they in the store for? Tipton: Five minutes. Gambini: Five minutes? How do you know? Did you look at your watch? Tipton: No. Vinny: Oh, oh, oh, you testified earlier that you saw the boys go into the store, and you had just begun to cook your breakfast and you were just getting ready to eat when you heard the shot. Tipton: That's right. Vinny: So obviously it takes you five minutes to cook your breakfast. Tipton: That's right. Vinny: That's right, so you knew that. You remember what you had? Tipton: Eggs and grits. Vinny: Eggs and grits. I like grits, too. How do you cook your grits? Do you like them regular, creamy or al dente? Tipton: Just regular I guess. Vinny: Regular. Instant grits? Tipton: No self respectin' Southerner uses instant grits. I take pride in my grits. Vinny: So, Mr. Tipton, how could it take you 5 minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit eating world 20 minutes? Tipton: I don't know, I'm a fast cook I guess. Vinny: I'm sorry I was all the way over here I couldn't hear you. Did you say you were a fast cook, that's it? Tipton: Yeah. Vinny: Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than anywhere else on the face of the earth? Tipton: I don't know. Vinny: Well, I guess the laws of physics cease to exist on top of your stove. Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?

10 Commandments of Grits There are several variations of this set of rules on the net. Nobody seems to know the origins, although I have heard they came down from Sinai with Moses' redneck cousin a week after the Israelites moved on. Seems he fell asleep after eating his grits... Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and cheese as toppings for thy Grits. OK, sometimes shrimp, bacon, and ham are allowed. Thou shalt not put sugar on thy Grits Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy Thou shalt not eat instant Grits Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch Thou shalt eat grits every day

Bron's Kiss My Grits

In the south, where corn is king, grits are it. A gluten free grainy corn porridge they are served with breakfast, lunch, and supper. And they make an excellent accompaniment for barbecue. Especially cheese grits.

Grits are made by coarsely grinding dried corn kernels, and they are the same as Italian polenta. Yellow grits come from the whole kernel, and white grits come from kernels that have had the outer hulls removed. In the old days most towns had a water or wind driven grist mill, and people brought their grain for grinding, often paying the miller with part of the finished product. Purists prefer stone ground, and never buy instant grits. Grits contain a small amount of oil so they should be used when fresh or stored in the refrigerator or else they can go rancid.

Bronson "Bron" Smith is a South Carolina Barbecue Association (SCBA) Master Judge and as gracious a Southern Gentleman as ever bred. When I first visited Columbia in an effort to taste my way across the state he grabbed his car keys, said "jump in", and squired me around for days showing me the nooks and crannies and the best eats. One morning we had an especially good batch of grits he told me how to make them "the right way" with a secret ingredient that is not on the package instructions or any cookbooks I have seen: Baking soda.

Bron like his grits best with eggs and country ham, but often tops them with cheese and serves them with barbecue.

Grits set up like concrete in a hurry, so do them at the last minute. If they get dry and thick, whisk in some milk and heat in the microwave.

Makes. 2 servings.
Preparation time. 5 minutes
Cooking time. 30 minutes

Ingredients
2 cups water
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup grits or polenta
2 tablespoons of butter
Salt and pepper to taste

About the grits. Instant grits just don't have the flavor. Use them only in an emergency. Quaker Quick Grits are not the same as instant and they will do in a pinch.

About the water. You can swap out some of the water for stock, milk, cream, or a combination. Try 1 cup water and 1 cup milk.

About the butter. You can substitute other flavorful fats if you wish. Bacon fat, lard, and extra virgin olive oil are good.

To make cheese grits. To make cheesy grits, add 2 ounces (by weight) of shredded cheddar cheese. You can try other cheeses, but not all will work. Beware of stringy cheeses like mozzarella. For a thrill try home made boursin.

To make shrimp grits. In South Carolina, shrimp grits are big. Leave out the cheese. Get 1/2 pound of shrimp and grill it or sauté it in a pan. Toss it on top with some finely diced peppers and or tomato. I use sweet red bell peppers, but it is fun with jalapeño.

Add herbs. You can flavor grits with 1 tablespoon of herbs such as thyme, chives, or green onions if you wish. I am especially fond of rosemary in my grits. If you are adding herbs, add them at the last minute, just before the cheese. Bron's favorite is chopped fresh spring onions.

Other toppings. Chopped bacon, ham, and sausage are great in grits. Some folks like to add brown gravy, sugar, molasses, maple syrup, and ketchup. Go ahead if you must, ut know you are in violation of the 10 Commandments of Grits.

Do this
1) Pour the liquid into a 2 quart saucepan with high sides and add the baking soda. I know this is a huge pan, but it can foam up with the baking soda so the high sides will keep it from foaming over and spattering. Be careful that you don't use more baking soda than the recipe calls for. Bring to a boil and keep an eye on it. The moment it boils, pour in the grits slowly so each grain gets "shocked" to prevent clumping. As soon as it comes to a boil again, turn the temp down to the lowest possible temp and stir down the foam. When it is no longer foaming, put on the lid. Let it sit for 20 minutes, stirring or whisking every 5 minutes or so to keep it from clumping or sticking to the bottom. A wooden spoon is best for this task so you can get down into the corners of the pan and prevent burning. It should get thick, but not gummy.

2) Add the butter and stir it in until it melts and is evenly distributed. If you are adding herbs, now's the time. If you are adding cheese, now's the time. Mix it in about 1/3 at a time. If it is too thick, and it probably will be, add an ounce of liquid and stir. Add more liquid if necessary. If it is too wet, leave the lid off for a few minutes. When it has thickened but is still a little runny, season it to taste with salt, pepper. Take it off on the runny side. It will thicken by the time you serve it.

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